Form 11

2020-2021

DEAR STUDENTS,

Can teenagers ever be tamed? Whatever!

There have been countless books and television series on taming teenagers, yet parents seem no nearer to discovering how on earth to get their offspring to pick up their wet bath towels from the bedroom floor, let alone vacuum it occasionally.

It might be a tough pill to swallow, but a new approach to dealing with rude and unruly not-quite-adults is for parents to look at their own behaviour.

"The key to getting teenagers to respect you is to respect them first," says Penny Palmano, who wrote a bestselling book on children's manners last year and has turned her attention to teenagers for her next book, Yes, Please. Whatever!: How to Get the Best Out of Your Teenagers (HarperCollins), which will be published in September. "You can't get away with treating them the same way that you have for the previous 12 years: they have opinions that count. Imagine if you'd spent two hours getting ready to go out for the evening and someone said, 'You're not going out looking like that, are you?' You'd be crushed. You'd never say that to an adult, because it shows a total lack of respect."

Not that she has been a pushover, confirms her 17-year-old son, Sam. "She's caring, and she encourages me and gives me my own space, but she means what she says," he says. "I have friends whose parents view children and adults as completely different species. They seem to think that until you are 21, you don't have opinions that count."

Palmano, who also has a daughter aged 19 and a 16-year-old stepdaughter, has even allowed the children to hold several teenage parties at her home. They passed without a hitch. "I've found that if you have brought them up to do the right thing, and then trust them to do it, usually that trust will be repaid," she says. "I make them sandwiches, buy some beer or wine and leave them to it. But I make it clear that they have to clear up any mess and that I want to come down in the morning and not even know that they've had a party, otherwise they won't be having another one. I've never had a problem; in fact, the kitchen was sometimes cleaner than I'd left it."

She agrees that teenagers can be infuriating: luxuriating in a world that is free of responsibility, yet desperate for independence - just like toddlers. She believes, however, that the monster that replaces your child around its 13th birthday is not just the result of raging hormones and a powerful desire to be annoying. Until recently, scientists have assumed that the brain was fully mature at puberty and that teenage angst was a result of fluctuating hormones and a desire for independence. But it turns out that the prefrontal cortex, the "civilising" region of the brain that controls judgment and appropriate emotional responses, does not fully develop until the early twenties.

Neuropsychologist Richard Restak points out: "The teenage brain is a work in progress that we're only beginning to understand. This would explain why most teenagers don't have the ability to make good judgments, control their emotions, prioritise or multi-task - for example, to make the right decision between watching television, ringing a friend, doing a chore they've been asked to do or finishing their homework," says Palmano. "It means that they do not intentionally do the wrong thing just to wind parents up, then shrug and mumble, 'Whatever'."

It was Palmano's son Sam who came up with the translation of "Whatever". Apparently, it means, "You're right, but I don't want to agree with you".

The key to sanity for all, Palmano believes, is calm negotiation and compromise. If you want your teenagers to be home by 11pm, explain why, but listen to their counter-arguments.

If it's a Saturday, might you consider a compromise of midnight (rather than 1am, which is what they had in mind)? If they are up to 20 minutes late, don't jump down their throats. Instead, ask if they've had a problem with public transport and let it pass; they've pretty much managed what you asked.

She urges a bit of perspective on other fronts, too. "There have been times when my daughter's room has not been as tidy as I would have expected, but as she said once, 'I'm a teenager - what do you expect? It's not a downward spiral into heroin addiction, it's just clothes on the floor, Mum'."

It's vital to choose your battles carefully: don't criticise teenagers for having an untidy room, then suddenly widen the goalposts.

"On these occasions, parents tend to bring up all the other things that they may or may not have done wrong in an attempt to get one up on them. One minute, it's about an untidy room and the next, you're saying, 'And another thing' and throwing everything you can at them."

Gill Hines, education consultant and co-author of teenage parenting guide Whatever! A Down-to-earth Guide to Parenting Teenagers (Piatkus, £12.99), agrees.

"If there are disputes about a child's lateness or about them picking up their schoolbag from the hall floor, then you need to sit down when things are going well and discuss them to reach a compromise. Aim to change only one behaviour at a time - never mention anything else. Teenagers are so sensitive to criticism at this age, yet this is when they seem to get criticised the most.

"Ask them very politely to hang the bag on the hook you have provided, instead. If it doesn't happen the next day, remind them in a kind way. Never be sarcastic, and remember that nagging never works. Usually, with something this minor, they will comply if you don't get at them too much."

If you're asking for a bigger change of behaviour, such as getting up earlier in order to be at school on time, she advises making it a condition of their annual review of income. "Show them that responsibility and freedom are two sides of the same coin. If you are mature enough to keep your room tidy or to get to school on time, then you are mature enough to stay out half an hour later."

Getting to school on time was a major sticking point for Hines's co-author Alison Baverstock, mother of two teenagers and two younger ones. "I bought them two alarm clocks, then stood back and let them take the consequences of their actions," she says. "More than once, I've sat at the bottom of the stairs, biting my nails and wondering if they're going to make it to school on time. There's always a temptation to bottle it and give them a lift, but I don't.

"However, there are other things we have compromised on. Maybe it's not my choice to get up at the last minute and eat toast walking down the street, but that was my son's choice - so fair enough. As long as he's at school on time, then fine."

She says she consults with her youngest, aged 10, more than she ever did with her eldest, who is now 17, and they have family meetings to discuss problems (the current one is the suitability of certain video games).

"You get better adherence to rules if they are mutually agreed. I think parents often talk to teenagers as if they are not real people. That's partly because everyone is so busy now, so we tend to talk in bullet points. But it's vital to realise that a young person has a point of view that matters."

To make negotiation work, though, it has to be real, says Hines.

"Some parents start by saying they want their daughter to be home by 10pm, so they can appear to be compromising when they all settle on 11pm, which was the time the parent wanted in the first place. But that's not honest, and a bright teenager will know exactly what's going on. A parent who uses tricks will have a child who grows up using tricks."

Glossary of terms (under no circumstances to be used by adults)

Baphead - idiot

Bizzo - a bizarre person

Cashback - something surprisingly good that happens

Chelping - talking rubbish

He's claimin' - he's not telling the truth

Gay - ridiculous, sad

Legend - an amazing person

Marinate - relax, hang out

Player - a guy who gets the girls

Rinsing - making fun of someone

Swamp donkey - an ugly person

Penny Palmano's do's and don'ts

• Do set boundaries: children still need them in their teens. But you have to trust them - and they will turn up trumps surprisingly often.

• Do discuss problems when everyone's calm. Try not to say no. Instead, listen to your teenager's view, then negotiate and explain your reasoning. If you do have to say no, calmly make the decision, explain why and then, walk away. Don't be drawn into arguments.

• Do occasional thoughtful things, such as putting flowers in their room when it's tidy. Eventually, your teenagers will start to emulate you.

• Do have at least three family meals a week. You can often steer discussions round to pertinent themes.

• Don't go into their room without knocking: teenagers need their own space, too.

• Don't become a taxi service for all their friends, but do accept that you will need to ferry them around a certain amount. Help your teenager to realise that you can't do everything: if you've asked them to help with the housework and it hasn't happened, calmly explain that you're afraid you won't have time to take them to their friend's house that evening. Then, stick to it.

This is your H/W for 20/10:

 Read he conversation about the career prospects . Write down 24 underlined phrases into your vocabulary notes and translate them into your native language.

Watch this video and make notes in your vocabularies - Reported speech. Непряма мова - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dteu7vB3njg

Read this magazine article and write your summery regarding the characteristics of a good one (See p. 32)

Call me old fashioned, traditionalist or just a technophobe but the new wave of e-readers such as Kindles, Kobos and Nooks scares me. Honestly, I avoid looking at them whenever I walk into a shop and instead focus on the reassuring white pages of physical books!

Books provide a reading experience which is much more high-tech than the dim screen of an e-reader: the rustle of the pages, the faint crack of the spine when you eagerly turn the page, the faint papery smell of a freshly purchased novel and the feel of the rough paper beneath your fingertips. Your travel books will become filled with public transport ticket stubs, creased maps, museum and art gallery passes. Your beloved recipe books will be stained with your latest culinary creation, greasy with butter, splashed with sauces and sprinkled with spices. Poetry collections will rustle with Post-It notes, school textbooks will become a rainbow of highlighting and novels will become creased with use.

In comparison, the world of the Kindle or Kobo is dim and dull; a greyish, boring world of sterile technology. Surely, it can be said that they do not give the reader the true reading experience? Yet, more and more of us are buying these e-readers. Is there something to be said for the convenience of having thousands of books, newspapers and magazines at your fingertips? You can start a journey at one of Jane Austen’s Regency dances and end up in Count Dracula’s horrifying castle. It’s the literary equivalent of time-travelling! Another reason in favour of the e-reader is that they eliminate peer pressure as well, as no-one can see exactly what you’re reading. Furthermore, on a Kindle the majority of classics, such as Shakespeare or Dickens can even be downloaded for free.

Maybe a compromise can be reached. There is no need to give up the physical books as they are like life-long friends which have walked faithfully beside you for years. Yet, it might be possible for us to carve out a role for these e-readers after all. In any case, anything which promotes reading is surely a good thing! It’s all about balance. Maybe I should be brave and invest in an e-reader after all!